That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
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A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN