People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
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“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
uh oh
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”