Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
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I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
The game has officially changed 😎
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Good news
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.