I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
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Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it