selfie game
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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
quarantine day 3
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.