I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
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[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Danger is very dangerous
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
There are no pants in heaven.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about