“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
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I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
absolutely not
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.