There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
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[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?