what’s more important?
You Might Also Like
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no