I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.