my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
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Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
necessity is the mother of invention
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Someone just threatened to call me later
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called