If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
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Wedding planning is organized crime.
Day 2 of my diet
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.