Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
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Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
crochet youtube is brutal
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas