me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
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The sacred texts.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”