Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
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Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Still my favourite meme.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe