if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
You Might Also Like
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.