BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
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How it started: How it’s going:
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Trying
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.