DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
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I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually