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me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).