*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
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Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.