I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
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Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy