Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
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Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.