The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
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I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
You got this…
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Does beer think about me too?
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Beware of the dog..
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.