employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
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(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
A classic…