my dad has had enough
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Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.