Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
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getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
*launders Kohls cash*
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.