Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
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Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
When you kidnap a writer.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation