Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
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Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.