Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
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Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?