I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
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Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*