“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
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shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
is this a threat
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Warm pools make me nervous.