attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
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I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–