I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
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Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
starting a garage orchestra
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Same post same
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton