Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Tuesday
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.