I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
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My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
The best shot in the history of golf
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit