[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
You Might Also Like
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
a lot to unpack here
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.