And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
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keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
wow