Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
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This is amazing.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE