Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
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The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Become ungovernable.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?