I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
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When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
The only equipped I am is ill.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.