Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
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I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Shark week, but for squirrels.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.