The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
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I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.