Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
You Might Also Like
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
new wife guy just dropped
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.