If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
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I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
🙋♀️
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
For the orator and chef in all of us
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
i now pronounce you bounced.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.