*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
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one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.