*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
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It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense