animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
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Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?