This one’s “Alex”.
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[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
🤣dope
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking