If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
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Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha