I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
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My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.